About Self love and Discovering Myself

 

My life has been simple and decided. I laugh when I laugh, I play around with my friends, I shoved my face on the books because of exams, I was just a typical Indonesian kid living her best life. It all changed when I graduated from college. At that time, I got a lot of things coming through my mind. And… It's going on until today. I just realized that I am entering a big fat gate called adulthood. I am no longer worrying about grades and campus projects anymore, but it turns into bills, salary, career, and blurry grey smoke called “the future”.

I have never been so confused about the world and how it is going on. But, life made me be like that. I used my logic and common sense in most of the problems I had to encounter in my life, but right now, it seems like the brain is not only about calculation and exact answers. There are tons of events that happened and simply just blew my mind. About how people blackmail other people at the office, somebody badmouthing me because they need attention, the digits in my account don’t increase at all, and yeah, it’s just exhausting.

Everything seems so uncertain and there are times when I feel like I’m left behind when all of my friends have the best career path in the multinational companies. I mean, did I just not get enough to reach the success that I want? Am I gonna be caged here with all of these paperworks? Until the day I left this world? But, what is going on actually? I don’t even get the right meaning of the “life” itself.

Okay, I get it. It’s not the right thing to feel. I shouldn’t be this confused. I started to get myself together and figured out what is going on. After all of the suffering, I come out to a conclusion that the first thing to do to get the right vision of this world is discover myself. Who am I, what is the purpose of my life, what kind of message I want to deliver.

I try something not really new to me, journaling. I used to write my own diary when I was a teenager. But, my goal in journaling this time is to discover myself. So, I researched on the internet about people’s experiences in journaling and the benefit of this writing activity. I ask a question in every journaling session I’ve done. It’s a good way to make things clear and hop to one stone at a time. The questions were focused on me, my personality, and my feelings. Slowly, (although not surely) I am able to see my inner goddess and the kind of life I want to live. I can see my own dream. The purpose and value that I want to give to my surroundings. I know that I am no superhero whatsoever, but I am proud of my own dream.

One thing that I’m most grateful for during this self discovery, is I somehow understand the meaning of self love. People used the word “self love” way too often, and I thought that it’s just some kind of slogan. I couldn’t see the true meaning and I didn't even see the importance of self love. But, as an adult, I eventually comprehend how essential this quality is. The fact that I embrace my own mistakes and be able to learn the lessons is enough to love myself. That is my definition of self love, embrace and learn. Once I get my own value, all the negative comments and bad vibes won’t get me anywhere. As long as I know, I’m doing good things and spreading positivity, I will go on and face this world with a peaceful mind.

I am grateful that the light of hope inside me ignites again. I am a human being, vulnerable, full of flaws, and… all of that is me. All of me.